I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
