Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
