I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
