Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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