I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
