the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
