hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
