Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
