Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
