She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
