she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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