Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
