You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
