My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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