who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
