just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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