Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
