you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
