giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
