You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
