capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
