apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I came so hard my ears popped.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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