everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
