Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
It's rum buckets o'clock
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Randomize
