you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
