I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
