Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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