the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
