I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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