I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
