And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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