I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
