Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
