last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just had sex on a roof
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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