True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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