i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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