I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
the raccoons are back...
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