I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
A+ Viking dick
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
