I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
this hospital has no fireball
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
