dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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