you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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