i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
