I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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