my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
