Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
