'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
