dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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