even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
