just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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