did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Drunk walkin through police station. America
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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