She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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